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DRINKING IN MID-AFTERNOON: SOPHISTICATED OR EDGY?  YOU DECIDE.
 
By Ryan Britt
 
On the edge of Central Park West is a sign that informs the humans about the stuff in a nearby pond.  The green stuff in the pond isn’t algae.  Many think it’s algae but it’s really something called “duckweed”.  Its scientific name is lemna minor, which sounds to me like one of the constellations I never learned.
 
I’m sure this sign is for humans.  Ducks that talk and write and wear clothing have far more class than to come up with such arbitrary names for things.  Look at Scrooge McDuck for example.  He swims in gold coins. Classy.
 
When I was younger, my peers objected to Scrooge McDuck swimming in gold coins.  They would say, “Nobody could swim in gold coins because it would hurt too much.”  My response was simple.  Put clothes on a normal duck and it would probably hurt said duck.  But, Scrooge McDuck wears clothes and a top hat.  He seems fine with it.  At that point all bets are fucking off.
 
On a bench near the duckweed pond a businessman and his wife are lunching.  The man casually reaches into a brown sack and produces a bottle of Kendall-Jackson Riesling.  He pours it into two plastic cups.  It’s about 12:30 pm.  I wonder what would happen if I were to break out a six-pack of Miller High Life right now.  Would these people consider it uncouth?
 
I mean a lot of people think there’s algae in the pond, but the ducks call it “The Champagne of Algae.”
 

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