SURRENDER

By Mike Topp

In 8th grade I bought a copy of "The Sensuous Woman" for my girlfriend. This pained my parents very much. So Mother drove me to the drugstore to exchange my gift. Nancy liked the Snoopy earrings.

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THAT'S NOT LEGAL IN THIS STATE

By Eric Wrisley
 

Me: Can I speak to Jennifer?

Guy:  Just a minute. [30 seconds] I think you have the wrong number. You mean Jennifer?

Me:  Yeah, Jennifer.

Guy:  There's no Jennifer here.  [lowers his voice] Unless you mean Jennifer, uh...the [indecipherable mumbling].

Me: The what?

Guy:  You know, the uh, hmmm, the uh, [whispers] the call girl?

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THE PARTY

By Andrew J. Lederer

Tiny Tim, for those who don't remember, was a stringy-haired, ukulele-playing, falsetto-voiced singer of '20s/'30s songs. Kind of freakish, but enjoyable. And he was exactly the kind of C-level celebrity you might see at parties thrown by some guy I once met who said I could come to one if I tried to get Richard Belzer to come too. So, I got Belzer's number from Catch a Rising Star or information or something and I called him and said, "This guy wants you to come to some party," and he said, "No," and having kept my promise, I went to the appointed midtown hotel room to mix with the show-biz medium shots who filled all my sleeping and waking dreams.

Now, I was a chunky, smooth-faced adolescent with long, thick, brown hair. And I sat on a hotel bed, talking with a girl who had been on a popular sitcom for a minute and a half, and this was thrilling to me. I mean, I know she seemed kinda drugged or something, but I really thought she liked me. And then, after talking to her for a long time, it suddenly became clear that she thought I was a girl.

I was mortified.

And the guy sitting next to me on the bed had witnessed the whole thing. Tiny Tim was laughing at me.

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