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HOW TO MAKE NEW YORK GIRLS REALIZE THEY WOULD
by Adam Wade
The Banker and The Wrestler
I liked Sandy, the banker. We'd been going out on and off for a few months. Nothing really serious had happened yet. A few dates to the movies, eating out, and of course meeting up for drinks. She was extremely pretty but TALKED ABOUT THE BANK BUSINESS WAY TOO MUCH! Somehow I seemed to put up with it.
One night things were going particularly well and Sandy asked me to take her back to my apartment.
So we entered my studio apartment and started heavily making out.
Things were going as well as they possible could when Sandy pulled herself away from me, disgusted, and said, "WHAT IS THAT?"
She pointed to a frame picture/autograph I had on my wall of Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka, the beefy professional wrestler in a leopard skin leotard, smiling, giving the 'thumbs up'. He was my childhood hero, and now he was cock blocking me.
"Why do you have this on the wall?" She asked.
"Sit down." I said, and as she did I started, "Well, let's start first with my childhood hero growing up. It was Ted Williams. The greatest hitter in baseball. I met him when I was in first grade at the New Hampshire Baseball Dinner at the State Armory. I was wearing a pin with his picture on my chest and as he signed a baseball for me I said, 'Teddy Ballgame... look, my dad gave me this. This is you!' And I pointed to the pin."
"Ted Williams looked up and said, 'Here's your ball, now run along little buddy. Jesus Christ, can someone get me a drink in this place?' "
Sandy sat on my bed and seemed sort of into the story.
"Well, after that night, Teddy Ballgame was no longer my hero. And four years later, I was at a New Hampshire College basketball game with my dad and I was bored out of my mind until... Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka showed up to the game in his leather jacket. Why was he there? I have no clue. But this guy was my favorite wrestler ever. He had long greasy hair and his big finisher move was to jump off the top rope and sort of splash his opponent for the old 1-2-3. Well, I went up to him and he gave me an autograph and was a real nice guy. And from that day on... he was my hero."
Sandy just sat there stunned.
"Are you gay?" She asked me.
"No, Snuka is my hero! He's a man's man. Kinda like James Dean." I said defensively.
We started kissing again. [Things started to go real well!] Then she pushed me away, "Take the picture off the wall, or I'm leaving."
"Listen Sandy, I like you a lot. A real lot! You gotta understand, Ted Williams was a mean old man, but Snuka was cool! He was nice to me. He deserves to be on my wall, it's Snuka... Jimmy 'Superfly' Fucking Snuka."
She got up and headed to the door, I got up and followed her. She turned to me and said, "Wrestling is FAKE!”
I was stunned she’d stoop so low to crush my hero.
“Well,” I said back as she opened the door to leave, “Bank talk is sooooo BORING!”
She shook her head and slammed the door.
I was deeply hurt. But the next day I woke up and Snuka was still on my wall, smiling, and giving me the thumbs up.
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Hey, folks! You don't have to be a 'big talking banker' or a 'pro wrestling hall of famer' to drop Adam Wade an email.
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