HOW TO MAKE NEW YORK GIRLS REALIZE THEY WOULD
By Adam Wade
Part 10: WAYS A DOUBLE HERNIA CAN REALLY HURT YOU!
It was three nights after my double hernia surgery, and my first night back in my own apartment. My married friends Jon and Megan took care of me the first few days after the surgery. Now, I was on my own.
I was laying in bed around 11:30pm staring at the ceiling wondering if I would ever recover from my operation.
'When is the pain gonna go away?' I kept asking myself.
It'd been the first time I'd ever been operated on and... it took a lot out of me. I was also depressed because I realized I wasn't a tough guy.
I was listening to iTunes on my computer which was across the room from my bed (this is what I use as my stereo). It was currently playing track # 15 out of 500 tracks of... SOUND EFFECTS.
I thought it would be 'cool' to have all those sound effects when I put them on there. You know, if I put ithe iTunes player on 'shuffle' I could hear a bunch of songs, then... 45 seconds of gun shots, and bunch more songs, then... 1 minute of the sounds of someone loudly eating carrots.
Sadly, for some reason tonight the iTunes wasn't on shuffle, it was just playing all the sound effects in order.
Next up was a helicopter taking off.
Then, bowling balls hitting pins.
Jesus. I desparately wanted to get up from my bed and put on some music, but I couldn't get up. I just didn't have the energy.
Cell phone ringing. But this wasn't a sound effect this was real.
I rolled around and got my feet on the floor, took a deep breath, got off my bed and walked over to my phone.
"Hello." I said.
"Hi Adam, it's Beth."
It took me a moment, then I realized it was 'Beth', a girl I knew that lives 5 blocks away from me. Beth and I went out/fooled around a couple times, but I hadn't seen or heard from her in over 4 months.
"How are you doing?" She asked.
"Better, every day." I lied still wincing from the pain.
There was an awkward silence and I realized she wasn't checking up on me after my surgery, she didn't know anything about it.
"What happened?" She asked concerned.
"I had double hernia surgery."
"What does that mean?" She asked.
I didn't want to get into it, I just told her I had 'minor' surgery near my groinal area.
"Do you want to come over?" She asked.
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
I was actually getting a booty call three days after double hernia surgery.
I was so frustrated I almost put my head through the wall.
"Ah, damn, Beth, with my surgery I gotta stay here and just take it easy."
"Do you want me to come to your place?"
The fire engine sound effect blared off of my computer.
"Beth, the surgery... it was down there, you know near my groin. I...don't know how to say this... I can't, well, I'm not supposed to... get excited for a while."
There was a long awkward pause, then barnyard sounds came out of
"Well," She flirted, her voice got a little sexier,
"Are you excited now?"
I looked down.
Gulp. This... ehhhh...
"Yeah... I mean, I gotta go, bye." And I hung up and quickly shut off my phone.
I slowly, I mean slowly, rolled painfully back into my bed and tried to think about anything non-sexual. I started thinking about the Good Year Blimp, floating it the air on a nice clean sunny day.
Next thing I heard was a sound effect of a plane crash. Now I had realized that while I was up on my feet earlier, I didn't change the iTunes to 'shuffle' on my computer.
I covered my ears with my hands and tried to continue to think about JUST the blimp.
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THE BOOK, THE AUDIO, THE TYPING ABOUT BOTH
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